It’s 3 a.m., or 4 a.m., or maybe 5 a.m. Time has lost structural integrity. ☕😵💫
My state is under siege.🚔
It feels like a cold-war situation as I heard someone say. 🧊
An orange army rolled in from Texas 🛢️ wearing fatigues and rifles; the other orange invader sits smugly on my counter, shedding domination everywhere.
Recently, we were occupied by an orange stray cat. 🐈🍊
Let me repeat: an orange cat. In this timeline. In this economy. Yes, the universe, in our lazy cosmic writer’s room, has decided irony is cheaper than subtlety. This, while the other orange entity livestreams fascism and propaganda, seemingly from his golf resort bunker?
Are they even allowed to say the things they are saying on teleprompters at the airports?
Come on, Universe. Put some work into the bit. 👏
Meanwhile, nearly a thousand people are stuck on Everest. Proof perhaps, that money can buy Sherpas, oxygen, and hubris, but not weather control or common sense. 🏔️💸
Does it seem to anyone else, if you can afford to climb Everest in October, you should be able to afford to get down, no?
Call your friend with the jet. Don’t make the locals risk frostbite for your enlightenment arc. I mean wow! Submarines, ice-covered mountains, what’s next bungee jumping volcanoes or something? 🌋
Back home, I’m in a cold war of my own. It’s me versus Smelly Majelly, the orange anarchist formerly known as Ferdinand Magellan.
He has peed on everything but my will to live, though that, too, is damp. 🫠
And then there’s TikTok Live, where I tried to “practice journalism.”
Some random guy appeared on my screen just to tell me not to get run over at the protest? 😲
Apparently I accepted him? Or the algorithm did. Or maybe the singularity itself just wanted a cameo. 📱👻
These days, every app I open is a Russian doll of Settings menus; settings for the settings for the settings.
I spend more time hunting for privacy toggles 🕵️ than I do scrubbing cat crimes. 🧽
At this point I’m convinced the digital labyrinth and the litter box are training simulations for the same final boss.
The cat yawns. I breathe through my mouth. Somewhere between the cat’s bladder, the mountain, and Kristi Noem’s oblivious understanding of language (anti = not), and the administration’s shameless airport propaganda strategy, I realize: the singularity isn’t coming; it’s already here, and it smells vaguely like ammonia and fascism.
And I guess, we here at SSIOL are meant to just document the absurdity, one satirical dispatch at a time, trying to keep the litter and the smell of corruption, both literal and metaphorical, from overtaking the timeline. ⌛
Good morning, world.
☕😵💫🐾 Front-line journalism from the kitchen floor?
🧾 Source Material
- Reuters: Nearly 1,000 people trapped on Mount Everest after sudden blizzard
- Broadview Ice Detention Center Texas Guard deployment
- New Airport Propaganda
Dispatch by Cassandra Speaks w/ G
AI-Enhanced Authorship: Acknowledged