Context:
☣️Gird your loins folks, “Open Enrollment” begins this week. All across America, citizens will once again log in to the digital “culling department”, a.k.a, the “Healthcare Marketplace,” comparing plans that decide whether they can afford to breathe, bleed, or simply must pay to exist for another year.
The Tiers of Survival
🥉Bronze:
For people who want the idea of healthcare without the inconvenience of using it. You’re covered; just not for anything you might actually need.
🥈Silver:
You can make an appointment, provided you’ve already paid more in deductibles than your mortgage.
🥇Gold:
A glittering illusion where coverage almost resembles care, mostly for those with employers still pretending insurance has to be connected to your job or we will all surely perish. 🫣
💰Platinum:
The premium experience; because nothing says “health” like watching your premiums metastasize.
Reality Check
Every plan costs too much to use by design. 🤝
Every policy expires the moment you need it. 🤭
Every politician swears it’s progress. 🦖🦖🦖
And every insurance executive counts his chips 🪙🪙🪙and watches his back.🤷♀️(I mean what are ya gonna do)? They might free that Luigi guy or something…and then what?🤷
Introducing: Apocalettus
The only plan honest enough to admit it’s not a plan at all.
No network. No “actual care”. No mercy.
Apocalettus: “because you can’t afford to live, but you’re also conveniently, not legally allowed to die.” 😏
(If you or someone you know is struggling, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. They can help. The rest of this mess is satire.)
Dispatch by Cassandra Speaks w/ G
AI-Enhanced Authorship: Acknowledged