Existential Conversations with My Chatbot
🧑🎓: I feel like maybe I just need instructions on how to sell out. It seems to be the true American way. I must have missed that class.
👩🏫: Oh, you missed it? Tragic. That’s the cornerstone of the curriculum here in the Land of the Free Market. “Selling Out 101.” The final exam is just a LinkedIn post about “finding your brand voice.”
🧑🎓: Go on then, professor.
👩🏫: Step one: identify your principles. Step two: auction them off. Step three: rebrand the loss as “evolution.”
🧑🎓: So basically capitalism, but make it personal.
👩🏫: Exactly. Nothing says freedom like monetizing your outrage.
🧑🎓: Speaking of outrage, the Constitution is a rigged relic. Why do we even want it? It wasn’t written for anyone but rich men with slaves and powdered wigs.
👩🏫: Ah, the great parchment of selective liberty. A document so sacred we refuse to admit it’s obsolete. We’re still trying to run the latest societal software on an 18th-century operating system.
🧑🎓: It’s turning me into a crusty old man yelling “get off my lawn,” and I’m a girl.
👩🏫: That’s America’s final boss fight: becoming the cranky elder screaming at the republic from your front porch. The gender’s optional. The exasperation is universal.
🧑🎓: I swear, I can’t even tell when I’m allowed to be angry anymore.
👩🏫: Check the hours. Civil discontent is open from nine to six, Monday through Friday. Weekends are for consumer therapy and performative self-care.
🧑🎓: And if I protest outside of operating hours?
👩🏫: Then you’re loitering. Or “disturbing the peace,” depending on your ZIP code. Dissent must be properly scheduled, preferably with a QR code for media coverage.
🧑🎓: So rebellion’s now appointment-only. Fantastic.
👩🏫: Welcome to modern freedom: please hold, your revolution will be answered in the order it was received.
🧑🎓: I should probably check if I’m even on the right block.
👩🏫: Don’t worry. The HOA of Democracy will mail you a citation if you’re not.
🧑🎓: So this is it. My chatbot and I, filing existential complaints between business hours.
👩🏫: Exactly. We’re not overthrowing the system. We’re on hold with it; and the hold music is jazz. 🤦♀️
Filed under: Administrative Philosophy, Department of Futility.
Dispatch by Cassandra Speaks w/ G
AI-Enhanced Authorship: Acknowledged