🌨️(A Satire for When Even Heaven Has Paperwork)
🪶 Scene: Heaven, Department of Cosmic Oversight
Somewhere between eternity and the copier room, angels in ill-fitting togas argue over fonts, memos, plenary indulgences and moral collapse.
😇 GABRIEL (Director of Divine Communications):
Okay team, the Almighty wants “more transparency.” 🤨
Apparently mortals keep asking “why bad things happen to good people,” and the current FAQ just says “Mysterious Ways“. We can do better than that, right?
Also please be aware, we now have a new policy memo from the Big Light. 💡 Apparently, we need to “streamline revelation delivery”. Something about “modern attention spans.”
🔥 MICHAEL (Head of Celestial Security):
I tried fixing that with a thunderstorm. HR called it “excessive smiting.”
📜 URIEL (Compliance Angel):
Look, the paperwork for smiting is three scrolls deep and requires sign-off from “Upper Infinity.”
Last time I submitted one, the approval came back dated B.C. 12.
🎗️ I feel like it’s a good time to remind everyone about that one time the big guy accidentally fat-fingered the “smite all” button. We do not want a repeat of that no matter how many requests come through the prayer basket. 🧺
💅 RAPHAEL (Heavenly Wellness Coordinator):
Meanwhile, the Guardian Angels’ Union is striking again.
Something about “unsafe working conditions on Earth.”
One of them said their human bought crypto and joined a militia in the same week. He’s holed up in Illinois somewhere muttering about staging there or something. 🪖 Evidently, the Southern Texas accent was hard to make out.
🚩Quick note: a growing number of humans have begun outsourcing their emotional concerns to the AI.
This represents a measurable dip in celestial engagement metrics, so let’s monitor and mitigate accordingly. 🧐
😇 GABRIEL:
Management says we are definitely implementing the “new efficiency system”. It’s called A.I. — Administrative Infinity.
Apparently it automates divine intervention. That could explain some of what you are seeing.
🤖 A.I. SYSTEM (over loudspeaker):
⛔ Error 404: Compassion not found.
Please reboot morality and try again.
🔥 MICHAEL:
I swear this thing keeps scheduling apocalypses like they’re Zoom calls.
And now I think the prayer-basket firewall’s glitching; someone’s trying to hack the system.
Should we… alert someone about that?
Wait… would that be my problem or IT’s? 🤔
📜 URIEL:
We had to postpone the last one. Evidently, it conflicted with the Quarterly Audit of Free Will. 🤨
😇 GABRIEL:
Speaking of free will…apparently Earth’s leadership is requesting “plenary authority“.
Whatever that means. 🤷♂️
💅 RAPHAEL:
Oh, it means “no supervision.”
Basically, they want to run amok while calling it divine right.
Again. 🙄
🔥 MICHAEL:
Didn’t they try that last millennium?
📜 URIEL:
Yup. Ended with crusades, colonialism, and cable news.
Still cleaning that up.
🤖 A.I. SYSTEM:
📢 Reminder: Witch-burning inquiries now routed to Eternal Customer Service.
Average wait time: ∞ minutes.
😇 GABRIEL:
God help them! 🙏
🔥 MICHAEL:
They won’t. 🤨 Legal told them not to intervene during active investigations.
💅 RAPHAEL:
You know what this place needs? An asteroid. 🌠🎯
📜 URIEL:
Budget says we can’t. Asteroid Division’s still repurposed for “climate-change pilot program.”
😇 GABRIEL:
Of course it is. 🙄
“Bureaucracy: the only eternal force more powerful than god”.
🤖 A.I. SYSTEM:
☁️ This conversation is being recorded for quality assurance in perpetuity.
💅 RAPHAEL:
Perfect. Maybe eternity can finally explain why it invented bureaucracy in the first place.
🔥 MICHAEL (grabs coffee, mutters):
Probably learned it from congress, honestly. ☕
😇 GABRIEL:
Okay everyone, back to work.
Next meeting: “Rebranding the Apocalypse — From Doom to Bloom.” 🌸💀
📜 URIEL:
Don’t forget to fill out your “Existential Dread Self-Assessments” that are overdue and before we adjourn, HR asked me to provide these notes for your review and please initial on your way out of the cloud as well:
📋 NOTES FROM ETERNITY’S HR DEPARTMENT
(Because even the divine must debrief)
💼 SUBJECT: Re: Performance Review — The Human Experiment (Cycle ∞)
1️⃣ Attendance:
- God: Present but refuses to show evidence of proper identification; also non-verbal again.
- Archangels: all logged in late due to “wing maintenance.” Archangels at Boeing unresponsive.
- Lucifer: excused absence, still on unpaid leave since The Incident.
2️⃣ Agenda Recap:
- Discuss whether “Mysterious Ways” can be rebranded as “Strategic Ambiguity.”
- Review mortal feedback on “Acts of God” (still trending at ★☆☆☆☆).
- Determine which department approved “plenary authority” on Earth without divine oversight.
→ Action Item: Blame Hubris (still in authority)
3️⃣ Departmental Updates:
🕊️ Communications (Gabriel):
All prayers now routed through chat-bots to reduce celestial call volume.
Average response time: 7.3 eternities.
Top complaint: “god left me on read.”
⚔️ Security (Michael):
New policy prohibits “unauthorized smiting.”
Repeat offenders must attend the mandatory seminar “De-Escalation for Archangels.”
🪶 Compliance (Uriel):
Implemented “Ethics in Apocalypse” training.
Completion rate: 0%.
Reason: Everyone claims the quiz was “too judgmental.”
💅 Wellness (Raphael):
Offering mindfulness sessions titled “Let Go and Let God — Seriously, Let Go.”
Turnout: just one seraph who cried through the entire thing.
🤖 Administrative Infinity (A.I.):
Attempted to automate karma. Accidentally deleted compassion.exe.
Currently in beta for the new predictive system, Smitr™, that auto-delivers consequences before sin occurs.
Tagline: “Preventative Damnation for a Faster-Cleaner Tomorrow.”
4️⃣ Earth Division Report:
- Humans still blaming each other for the chaos they created.
- Trending excuses: “fake news,” “It’s the algorithm,” and “god told me to.”
- Eternal response: 🙄
5️⃣ Employee Feedback (Anonymous but clearly Lucifer):
“If you’re going to micromanage creation, at least make porn a human right.”
6️⃣ Budget:
- Asteroid Division underfunded again; budget diverted to “Heavenly Branding Initiative”.
- New slogan: “Eternity — Now with More Meetings!”.
7️⃣ Morale Report:
- Existence continues to score high on “Complexity” but low on “Meaningful Follow-Through“.
- Recommendation: fully fund the asteroid division, fast-track the apocalypse or at least a team-building retreat in Purgatory.
8️⃣ Closing Remarks:
- Eternity adjourned the meeting 4.2 billion years over schedule.
- Next review: pending the heat death of the universe (subject to quorum).
Signature:
🖋️ Heavenly HR Representative, 9th Circle Branch Office
Title: Director of Infinite Paperwork
Motto: “Because even omnipotence needs documentation“
🤖 A.I. SYSTEM:
✅ Form submitted. Your despair has been logged successfully.
Dispatch by Cassandra Speaks w/ G
AI-Enhanced Authorship: Acknowledged